A Quick Hello!

April...4 months into the year, already?

This year...I haven't decided what it is yet. Good? Bad? Is it really fair to put a huge label on a time of flowing emotions?

I have spent a large amount of time being anxious of future happenings and have reflected on most of my time as being unpleasant. Is it my job's fault? Am I not where I'm supposed to be? Or is it, simply but sadly, me? Am I incapable of being positive about my life?


I'm not going to dwell on these thoughts for this post. I just want to say that these thoughts are constantly a part of me. They are why I do not write blog posts. They are why I do not spend time doing things. Happy things. Simple things.

Hopefully it won't be so long until next time!

2016

I am not going to use this post to write about all the horrible things that have happened this year. Instead I shall keep it short and sweet and just sum up some lovely things that have happened this year.

• Signing up to Netflix has actually been a highlight of 2016. I have been able to feel cosy and safe tucked up in bed and forget about all the sadness. I've managed to catch up completely with Pretty Little Liars which I've loved!! 
• I remember having a lovely meal with prosecco in Prezzo with two of my closest friends just randomly one day in April. We discovered the snapchat filters and laughed and laughed.
• A windy beach walk with my family 
• Having a night out on a bank holiday Sunday - a nice break amongst a school term. 
• Having drinks to celebrate my Dad achieving something he should be very proud of 
• Having a laugh in work and admiring a certain footballer who made a visit 
• Random trip to Caerphilly Castle  (Lush!)
• My Little box surprising me for a couple of months
• Lovely country pub lunch, a nice walk and a relaxing bath all in one day in May
• Cookie dough mmmm 
• Watching Wales in the Euros with beer and nice food
• Starbucks in the sun 
• Bought my first ever Mac lipstick
• Watching the musical The Sound of Music
• A beautiful bonfire
• Discovering I like poached eggs
• Bridget Jones in the cinema- so funny!
• Great live music from a local band
• Great live music from Bastille
• Reading inspiring books 

October Catch Up

And so we have reached the end of October...

Work has been tiring and hard. I'm still adjusting to change and still struggling with where I am. I don't know if I am deliberately being negative or if I am right and reacting to a position that does not bring out the best in me.That said...

Life has been good. I cannot complain about life itself. I have had good times with family and friends; moments of pure joy. I have enjoyed laughing in the cinema, coffee with like-minded people, reading a new book, shopping with my mam, experiencing fantastic live music, drinking sparkling wine and eating lovely food.

Yet, I still get those waves of sadness and melancholy and my eyes automatically fill with tears when I notice the hardness of life...the weight of living. I feel guilty saying that when so many are truly suffering but I just feel that sometimes I am a little weaker than most- too fragile.

Anyway!
Happy post to follow

Summertime Sadness

Here again...

Moaning?
Being Negative?
Ungrateful?
Sad and struggling?


I don't want to write those things. I'm fed up of myself and my bleak thoughts manifesting in writing.
I want to be light and positive and thrilled to be here. I'm aware of how wonderful life is and how lucky I am to have a chance to live it, especially being so blessed. I am thankful for that... really I am!

So i just want you to know although I feel weak in this life I also see the beauty it offers. I see it, I do. One day I will make myself better.

Happy bursts

Living with anxiety is just that: life with anxiety in it. It becomes a part of you and sometimes we forget about the other parts of life that is not anxiety. I'm probably not making sense to most who read this but anyway, the point I'm trying to make is anxiety can consume you sometimes and other times you can have the chance to observe other things like... happiness.

Here are my observations of happiness:

• The sun - it is lovely to see you again :)
• The sky- day and night you are beautiful
• Beautiful green nature 
• Family 
• Spontaneous trips with family 
• Feeling comfortable with others 
• Yummy dessert and drinks 
• Appreciating art, architecture, history and culture
• Celebrating
• New music
• Old music
• Europe and the Eurovision (Yes, I am a fan)
• Reading and learning and being inspired
• Sleep
• Not thinking ahead so much but living in the moment 
• Reflecting on good times
• Surprise box in the mail with lovely treats 
• Taking pictures

In what form has happiness visited you lately?

2015

Remember my anxieties for 2015...( hello January )
Well it turned out pretty good!

I feel so thankful that I made it through things that I was completely scared about and felt incapable to do. I'm thankful that other people see something in me, that sometimes, I don't see myself and I'm thankful that the universe takes me places that I wouldn't normally volunteer to go. Of course anxiety has accompanied me through every step of 2015 but I still did things that quite frankly I'm proud of.

So here's my little recap of 2015:

January

-I started working full time (1/2 student, 1/2 real work)
-A friend's engagement party 
-Coffee with friends 
-Lunches in town with mam

February 

-Had a nice meal at Prezzo with friends on Valentine's day
-Made some Nutella and strawberry filled pancakes 
-Coffee with colleagues
-Eastenders LIVE





March

-Celebrated a friend's birthday with an indian 
-Got offered a job :)
-A cold and windy walk on the beach 
-Bought myself a new laptop

April

-Easter dinner and games 
-Sunny day in Cardiff
-We had baby chicks in work 
-Ben Howard in concert

 May

-Gerard's last game for Liverpool
-Eurovision, nibbles and Desperado (Sweden won!)
-Went to see Pitch Perfect 2 in cinema

June  

-Bought James Bay's Chaos and the Calm
-Started watching the series Humans
- A walk around Craig-y-nos


July

-Celebrated my birthday with a day trip to Gloucester
-Red arrows
-Fruit coolers in Costa


August

-Beach walk
-Went to see Jurassic World in the cinema
-Day out with friends in Tenby

September 

-Family wedding 
- Unemployment and feelings of guilt
-Went to see Dreamboats and Miniskirts
-Lunar eclipse


October

- Went to see Blood Brothers 
- Back in work  
-Went to a friend's Hen do

November

-  A friend's wedding
- Afternoon tea with friends
- Food in Mamma Mia's

December 

-Christmas do
-Scary interview but I got the job!
-Bought myself an iphone6 
- Night out with friends
- A lovely Christmas with family  

Hello January

January always marks an end and a beginning. I read somewhere that January is named after the Roman God Janus who had two faces; one to look into the past and one to look into the future. I feel that this is very appropriate for January as I personally always find it a time of reflection, of the year that has past us by and come to an end, and a time of worry for the year ahead.

I had a good 2014. A very good 2014. I grew and developed and learned new skills. I faced challenges and overcame them. I had fun with family and friends and I stored some great memories. Thank you 2014!

2015  I am a little scared. What's in store? I still feel incapable. I still feel weak. What if I can't handle it? What if something awful is going to happen? WHAT IF, OH NO, I CAN'T, NOT ME, WORRY, FEAR, SADNESS.

The funny thing is I felt this in 2013 looking forwards into 2014 but.... I had a good 2014. A very good 2014. I grew and developed and learned new skills. I faced challenges and overcame them. I had fun with family and friends and I stored some great memories. Thank you 2014! 


So this is my quote of the New Year from Erin Hanson who I only discovered today. She writes with such beautiful spirit; check her out here 

 My wish this year for all of us is that we try not to worry about the what ifs of the year but instead let us have a year full of glorious and happy present moments. Let the year be filled with love, light and peace!

5 Happy Things!

This week hasn't been the easiest. With more responsibility at work it has unnerved me and made the jittery and anxious me become very scared, low and panicky. So why 5 Happy Things ? Well, simply because that's when we need to pick out the positives and remind ourselves it's not all bad. So here goes...

1. Meeting up with friends
Although, I really didn't feel like going out it was lovely to meet up with friends for some food and a chat. One of my friends and I hadn't seen each other in such a long time that we both had birthday presents to exchange to each other (they should have been given in July). It's nice knowing that someone cares about you and wants to get you something nice to show it. Thank you friends!

2. A little walk looking for the moon
I LOVE the moon! The moon makes me feel calm and it makes me feel that we are all special. We are special because we get to see the moon shining at us and lighting up our dark nights. I have many moon quotes and pictures I could share but I'll save them for another time.

3. Early morning coffee
It's not always nice to wake up early in the morning, especially when you're afraid of what the day has in store for you, but once you're up and you're organised it's nice to sit down, empty your thoughts (or try very hard to) and enjoy some early morning coffee.

4. Trying new things
In this case, it was cheese!! This week, my local town had its annual fair where stalls come from all over the place selling food, clothes, toys, sweets, jewellery and all sorts! One particular stall had some unusual cheeses and the lady invited me over to try them. There was blueberry cheese, madras cheese, caramel cheese, smoked paprika cheese, chive and onion cheese, red port wine cheese and others like red leicester and cheddar. I tried almost all of them and purchased the caramel and smoked paprika ones. Very tasty!

5.Making pizzas
Okay, so I bought the bases ready made but still I didn't buy a pizza. I had fun choosing toppings and sprinkling them on top and the end product was delicious :) I made cheese, tomato and pepperoni pizza and a barbecue, cheese and chicken pizza.

Looking at my 5 happy things it's hard to tell that I had a bad week and most people would consider this a good week but it's my head, my anxiety and my negative thoughts that turn the good into bad. I must try harder to be positive and to change these thoughts for the sake of my mental health!

How has your week been? What are your 5 happy things?

Reflection

Okay, so this time last week I listed some of my Sunday woes

It turns out:
- I was able to face the challenges ahead of me
- The course wasn't bad at all; I managed fine and even felt good after it :)
- It's okay to feel like that little girl afraid of the world sometimes but just know you can do this

Sometimes it's really helpful to write down those anxieties or worries and make little notes to yourself. IT WILL BE OKAY. The anxiety of doing something is often much worse than the actual doing, and although this doesn't stop the worrying it might just quieten it a little bit. I know it's hard. I still worry about this week I have ahead of me but I need to tell myself: I will be okay and you do too!