Hello January

January always marks an end and a beginning. I read somewhere that January is named after the Roman God Janus who had two faces; one to look into the past and one to look into the future. I feel that this is very appropriate for January as I personally always find it a time of reflection, of the year that has past us by and come to an end, and a time of worry for the year ahead.

I had a good 2014. A very good 2014. I grew and developed and learned new skills. I faced challenges and overcame them. I had fun with family and friends and I stored some great memories. Thank you 2014!

2015  I am a little scared. What's in store? I still feel incapable. I still feel weak. What if I can't handle it? What if something awful is going to happen? WHAT IF, OH NO, I CAN'T, NOT ME, WORRY, FEAR, SADNESS.

The funny thing is I felt this in 2013 looking forwards into 2014 but.... I had a good 2014. A very good 2014. I grew and developed and learned new skills. I faced challenges and overcame them. I had fun with family and friends and I stored some great memories. Thank you 2014! 


So this is my quote of the New Year from Erin Hanson who I only discovered today. She writes with such beautiful spirit; check her out here 

 My wish this year for all of us is that we try not to worry about the what ifs of the year but instead let us have a year full of glorious and happy present moments. Let the year be filled with love, light and peace!

5 Happy Things!

This week hasn't been the easiest. With more responsibility at work it has unnerved me and made the jittery and anxious me become very scared, low and panicky. So why 5 Happy Things ? Well, simply because that's when we need to pick out the positives and remind ourselves it's not all bad. So here goes...

1. Meeting up with friends
Although, I really didn't feel like going out it was lovely to meet up with friends for some food and a chat. One of my friends and I hadn't seen each other in such a long time that we both had birthday presents to exchange to each other (they should have been given in July). It's nice knowing that someone cares about you and wants to get you something nice to show it. Thank you friends!

2. A little walk looking for the moon
I LOVE the moon! The moon makes me feel calm and it makes me feel that we are all special. We are special because we get to see the moon shining at us and lighting up our dark nights. I have many moon quotes and pictures I could share but I'll save them for another time.

3. Early morning coffee
It's not always nice to wake up early in the morning, especially when you're afraid of what the day has in store for you, but once you're up and you're organised it's nice to sit down, empty your thoughts (or try very hard to) and enjoy some early morning coffee.

4. Trying new things
In this case, it was cheese!! This week, my local town had its annual fair where stalls come from all over the place selling food, clothes, toys, sweets, jewellery and all sorts! One particular stall had some unusual cheeses and the lady invited me over to try them. There was blueberry cheese, madras cheese, caramel cheese, smoked paprika cheese, chive and onion cheese, red port wine cheese and others like red leicester and cheddar. I tried almost all of them and purchased the caramel and smoked paprika ones. Very tasty!

5.Making pizzas
Okay, so I bought the bases ready made but still I didn't buy a pizza. I had fun choosing toppings and sprinkling them on top and the end product was delicious :) I made cheese, tomato and pepperoni pizza and a barbecue, cheese and chicken pizza.

Looking at my 5 happy things it's hard to tell that I had a bad week and most people would consider this a good week but it's my head, my anxiety and my negative thoughts that turn the good into bad. I must try harder to be positive and to change these thoughts for the sake of my mental health!

How has your week been? What are your 5 happy things?

Quote of the week!

A year ago, I was in a shop when this book/album appeared to me. It wasn't the quote "People change, memories don't" that compelled me to buy it but the beautiful illustration of the camera.

At the time I wasn't in the best spirits and I thought one day this could cheer me up and I could use it to store happy memories that I've spent with people I love.

Yesterday I started doing just that. I filled a page with pictures and started sorting through my pics to see what else I would like to include in this book.

Anxiety is hard and draining and it takes all of your brain and focuses it on negativity and worry but forcing your brain to remember happy memories you have had can have such a positive effect on you. Sometimes it's hard to think of happy days but try to remember those happier times and believe that there are many more happy memories waiting for you to make.

This week...

This week, I haven't posted my usual Quote of the week or my usual Song of the week posts.
This week, my anxiety was more prominent as I worried about lots of challenges I had to face.
This week, some of those challenges were met with happy, successful results.
This week, some of those challenges didn't turn out so well and are now  repeating in my head making me sad and annoyed at myself.

This week, I read the below words from: Weallmadhere

That’s the wonderfully bothersome thing about the brain, it projects your worst nightmares into reality like an old movie. You can view the screening any time, any place and completely free of charge.

Weallmadhere

 
This is how it feels like a lot of the time with me and my brain. I do not only get to view potential mistakes and nightmares that I could possibly (but not very likely) make but I also view all my past mistakes, failures and embarrassments at any time and any place.

This week, I was grateful to read this. I was grateful to know that I am not alone.

P.s. notice how my happy, successful results of this week are overshadowed by the negatives
 = anxiety :(

What anxiety is for me

We all get anxious at some points in our lives but some of us are more anxious than others. While there are different types of anxiety disorders I have never named my anxiety. What I mean by this is I have never been to the doctors and spoke about my anxiety for someone to tell me what it is I suffer from; maybe I should but I haven't. I have always been a shy worrying child but it is only since I have grown up that I've considered that I suffer with anxiety. I am an overthinker who lets my anxious mind stop me from making the most of my life; this is how I suffer. I worry every day about little things that seem silly to a lot of people and I sometimes avoid situations because I'm just too anxious. I really suffered with it not so long ago where a situation of unemployment + anxiety + hopelessness = depression (I'll speak about this again in another post some time). It was a really tough time and I'm glad I'm getting better but anxiety still affects me.

Anxiety, for me, is an uncontrollable and overwhelming record of worries repeating over and over and over in my head like a bad song.

What is anxiety for you? Please share in the comments below or feel free to email me at em.thoseknots@hotmail.com                
Em x

Song of the week!

I LOVE music.

Music and lyrics speak to me. Allow me to feel. Allow me to understand. Allow me to connect.

Have you ever listened to a song and just thought: YES! That's how I feel! You get me or I get you!

For these reasons I would like to blog a "Song of the week!" and what have I chosen for my first one?

Age of Worry by John Mayer

"Worry, get out of here!"

What do you think of this song? Do any lyrics jump out at you?